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Wednesday, 16 April 2008

Saturday, 06 October 2007

  • Currently Listening
    Minutes to Midnight
    By Linkin Park
    see related

    I looked in the mirror and said, I am not pretty enough.(I really think I'm UGLY!!!)

    Today so far, I think was pretty wack. I woke-up, and had to leave 10-15 minutes after I woke. I first went to the bank, to get a checking account. And I get a debit card in the mail in two weeks, and my own checks with my name on them. Now whenever i want anything online, it'll be all me. No more asking anyone if i can get this, or that. I signed some papers, and got a check book. I think its pretty cool that I already know all about it.
        Then I went to see Christine this morning for my appointment. I dreaded going....didn't even talk much. And she's disappointed in me for cutting again, and not calling her when I get the urges. Its like, oh well. Calling someone when I get urges, has never worked for me in the past, and won't work today either. And she was like, how much did you cut? I told her, a little. HAHAHA, I liedddd to her. And she bought it too. I really cut a lottt. And its ongoing. She asked me how many days I cut, and I was like, 4 days ago. Honestly, NOTTT lol. Then Christine was like, I can tell that you also can't trust me, or even trust me enough to help you. And I was like, well, I put a test to each and every person that I know, and ask myself, Am I able to put trust to that person, or not? And with her, I feel like I can't.
        And my "mom" asked me yesterday if Christine was really helping me, and I'm like, no. Not even for those stupid emdr sessions. SO, on that note, my dad also got a new job....got sick of his old one, and the boss, after several years. And b/c he has a new job, he can't miss any days. And my mom and dad swap back and forth to bring me to my appointments. Also, because I don't want Christine anymore, and because of my dad having a new job...any appointments that I get have to be way later than 3:45-4:00....which idc.     On that note, I am going back to my former therapist before Christine, before MMH, and before the Joshua Center for the second time: her name's Beth. I think she's a better therapist than Christine, idk why I just didn't go back to her in the first place. So, as soon as Beth is available, when my mom calls and finds out, I am going back to her; and all appointments with Christine are canceled. And Christine doesn't know about this yet.
        Got my progress report...my grades are pretty good(except for one; I push myself too hard sometimes.):
    Period A:      Creat. Writ: C-
    Period B:          Curr. Lit: B+
    Period C:      Art 2: A
    Period D:      Phys Ed: A
    Period E:      Tutorial: A-
    Period F:       Ind. Living: B+
    Period G:      MaSciChal: A-

    Yeah, I know, my grades are good. I have never had this many A's on a progress report in my life. Seriously! Not even when I got honors in the 4th quarter in my junior year last year. So, if I keep this up until November 3rd, I'll get honors for the 1st quarter of my senior year. I'll be surprised if I do keep this up. =)
     

    So, its now 4:40pm, and in an hour, I am going with my cousin, her gf, and a friend to go see a hockey game. And the cool thing is, my cousin and I have NEVER been to an actual hockey game! So, I def. know and it'll be fun. Plus my sister will be at Six Flags with her best friend Jocelyn. She had a choice if she wanted to come to the hockey game with us, but she didn't want to. So we're like, okay, you don't have to go. So, I'll be posting back wayyy later. Byez. =)
     
     

Friday, 05 October 2007

Thursday, 04 October 2007

  • Currently Listening
    Because I Can
    By Katy Rose
    see related

    latelyyyyy

    Its been awhile, so I figured I'd put a blog in. Lately, everything's been blah. Like, literally. Dragging myself out of bed everyday, going to school, work, etc. School's okay. I just hate my A period class. She gives me a damn grade that I don't deserve, so whatever. I slack in that class now. But i got to get it together b/c tht class is only until January. All my other classes are decent, and good grades. I also fake being happy and shit, when I'm truly not. I've been back to cutting a lot more....thinking I was done, well, I'm not. Idk if I'll ever be done. Three years, two months and ongoing. Oh well. No one can stop me; even if they threaten to take things away from me. I need a cigarette badddd. lol. last time I had one was two weeks ago when I was at work, on a break with some of the cool people I work with. On top of that, you might as well add a Skyy Vanilla vodka!!!! hahaha. Thats my fave alcoholic drink, haven't had that in a long ass time. Some people may think that I am a goody-good in their point-of-view, but I am truly not. =D
    This past week has been pretty much shit reguarding some people. The guy I was dating, was in the hospital, JMH's ER for four days, and JMH's adult psychiatric unit. He got out almost a week ago, and just lastnight, when he signed on to aim, he IM'd me. And of course I wasn't going to ignore him. We talked for awhile. I asked him why he left me a voicemail on my phone saying that he was going to commit suicide. And I also had asked him why, and he had a whole list of why. I was one of them; but that's because he said he screwed up his chance with me; and made my "parents" wicked mad. And when he was in the hospital he tried escaping and sliced both of his wrists. i asked him why he did that as well. But, besides that part of our conversation, we talked about a lot more; and I just had tears streaming down my face. And when his sister Billie told me that he was at JMH, that's when I started blaming everything he has done on myself. And as my stepmom summarizes that, she said, "He has a noose around you. He's trying to pull you back into a negative relationship." And yes, that was totally true.     The other thing was, this past week, that one of my friend's wanted to die. So we talked about a lot of things, and we talked about what was going on with me as well. I talked her out of it. But then yesterday she felt like that again, and told me that she wasn't going to be in school today. But then this morning at school, I saw her walking up the hall. And I hugged her and said, "Glad that your here. Without you, my day isn't any brighter."
        The other thing thats going on is my mother. Ok, I called her on Monday, and left her a message. The weeks before, she'd call me back. But she hasn't called me back! And its been three days!!! So, now i'm like, okay, I don't have a mother; AGAIN. And thinking those days off that I'd spend time and visit her.....is just a waste of time!!??? So, she has broke my heart again; and she was right of what she told me when I was 15, in JMH's ER..."No, I don't care about Tricia. I don't love her, and i don't care where she goes from here." I am now going to say, FUCK YOU JOYCE!!!
       So, right now my life is hell and back. I am sure other people's lives are as well. Everyday I think, why does God have me breathing? Am I really worth something to certain people that actually keep me in their life??? There's one friend, in my opinion, I think walked out on me...b/c I'm no fun, or worth anything to be around. Like, ik we don't have any classes together; we didn't lastyear either, but we'd still talk. And this year, we have this huge distance. And I hate it. It actually adds on a little hurt inside my heart. I feel like if there's anything else that's going to pile on; I think my heart will break. =/

    I'll post tomorrow, if I feel the need to. If anyone actually reads this whole thing, thanks. It means something to me. And you can give me any advice or anything that you have to say.
                                             Bye.

Monday, 24 September 2007

  • New Beginning......

    This is my new xanga, and it is my new beginning. I decided to delete the other two, one, because I felt like it, two because there's certain people that I didn't want anymore; plus when I'd delete them, they add me; and then have their page to private. It's like, if you want me to be your friend, I should be able to view your page too! Duh...and the last reason is because certain people I have had, are FAKE, and  like to use me for no fucking reason at all, and then judge me about what I'd post. It's like, wtf, I don't judge you, do I!!???
        Anyways, today was the same shit; a plain old Monday. I had today off from work, so I decided to go get my nails done; and I love them! lol.
    My moods are slowly getting better. My mom took care of this guy that has been calling me a thousand times and whatnot. Now, I don't have to drown and go into his projected path. I want this week to be better than the last; hopefully. But for now, I am going to browse on here; and I will post more either later, or whenever.

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